Redwall Finds Itself
by Tari Moonbrooke
Summary: Strange things are happening at Redwall. Who are these strange beasts and why are they here? r&r please
1. Chapter 1

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I own nothing! NOTHING! Though I would like to.

Redwall Finds Itself

Cluny had arrived at Redwall Abbey. He and his second in command, Redtooth, had just been lead down to Cavern Hole.

Winifred the otter was patrolling the west end of the orchard when Matthias came strolling around the corner of the abbey whistling cheerfully. Winifred was, to say the least, confused, hadn't she just seen Matthias follow Cluny down to Cavern Hole? She strode over and confronted the young mouse. "I say Matthias, weren't you supposed to be guarding the abbot while that rascal Cluny's in the abbey?"

Matthias stopped short and stared at Winifred as if she was crazy. "Guard the abbot from Cluny? Why would I do that? You know as well as I do that Cluny is one of the sweetest guys around. He wouldn't hurt a fly let alone the abbot."

Matthias, Cluny is a cold blooded killer. He'd slice you to pieces and never think twice about it."

"Okay, are you sure we're talking about the same Cluny here. Let's see,… does he wear an eye patch?"

"Yes"

"Does he have an extra long tail and occasionally wear a poison spike on the end?"

"Yes"

"Does he have an unexplainable fear of poisonous snakes, large bells, and hooded beasts wielding sharp pointy object threatening to kill him?"

"…I'm not sure."

"Well it sounds like Cluny, but I'm still not sure."

"I think he's still in Cavern Hole if you want to go see." Winifred ventured, more confused now than when she started.

"Great idea!" Matthias gave a cheesy grin and walked off towards Cavern Hole singing the Batman theme song at the top of his lungs.

Winifred watched him go for a moment, then shook her head sadly and went off to have an ale and forget that this conversation ever happened.

Out on the path a young ferret stood near he back of Cluny's horde. He had been standing there for a little over five seconds and was quickly becoming bored. Leaning over towards the rat next to him, he whispered, "What are we waiting for?"

The rat, Ragear, gave him a weird look and replied, "We're waiting for the chief ta finish talking to the mice in the abbey up yonder."

"Oh" and with that he went back to staring straight ahead. After a minute or two he leaned back over and whispered, "Who's the chief?"

"By the stripes lad, are ye telling me ye were recruited and don't even know the name of your warlord?"

"Oh, I never entered in with any warlord. I just thought we were waiting for something exciting to happen. Like free ice cream or a carnival. But if that's all, then I quess I'll just be going." He turned and walked off in to the woods.

Before he left Ragear called after him, "What's yor name?"

"Veil Sixclaw the Outcast."

On the eastern end of the north walltop Brother Alf was checking the wall gates and patrolling the forest sides of the abbey, when he spotted a strange mouse leaning over the battlements.

"Excuse me but what are you doing?"

The strange mouse turned to face Brother Alf. He looked strangely familiar, as if Alf had seen him before.

"I'm waiting for the pizza delivery boy." the stranger replied.

Before Brother Alf could reply a voice is heard from Mossflower woods. Looking down they saw Veil and a big tattooed otter.

"Well, well, if it isn't our resident outcast and Zan Juskarath Taggarung. How are ya?" the stranger called down.

"Just open the door Warrior." called Veil slightly irritated.

"And why should I?"

"We have pizza!", Tag called holding up a six foot tall stack of pizza boxes.

"Hold on I'll be right down!"

Matthias's chair clattered on it's side as he sprang forward, breaking free from the restraining paws of the Abbot.

"Listen, rat, you don't scare me! I'll give you our answer. You get nothing! Now do you understand that?"

Shaking with furry, Matthias allowed himself to be pulled back on to his chair. The Abbot turned to Cluny.

"You must forgive Matthias. He is young and headstrong. Now as to your proposal, I am afraid it is out of the question. Should you or your army require medical, food clothing, or help upon your way, you will find us only too willing to assist-"

Cluny interrupted rudely by pounding upon the table until the Abbot was silent.

Suddenly from under the table came an irate voice.

"Can't a girl get any peace anywhere in this place?"

From under the table came a rather angry looking 19-year old 'human' girl (me!)

"Oh, hello father."

"Hello my child, might I ask what you were doing you were doing beneath the table?"

"I _was_ taking a nap. That is until someone woke me." She glanced at Cluny.

"Well now if you'll excuse us, we would like to finish talking with our guests."

"Guests? We have quests? Where are they?"

"Right here." Abbot Mortimer gestured towards Cluny and Redtooth.

"Naw way, your pull 'in my leg. Cluny's been here for neigh on two seasons now."

"No, these rats just arrived today."

"No Cluny's been here. Why just last week he helped you bake that seven layered strawberry shortcake."

Awkward silence.

"Come on Cluny, back me up here."

"I don't know what your talking about." Cluny replied shaking his head nervously.

"Matthias you know, don't you. Come on we hang out all the time."

Matthias simply shook his head sadly.

She looked at the group as if they were all crazy then fell to her knees and cried to the sky. "Has the entire universe gone completely upside down!"

Just then a knocking is heard coming from the closet. Everyone turned to look. Slowly getting to her feet the girl walked over to the door and turned the knob. Tumbling out across the floor came none other than Cluny the Scourge.


	2. Chapter 2

I know it's been a little while but I've been real busy. Oh well, enjoy the next installment of this story.

Cluny #2 set up and rubbed the side of his head. "Ow! Could you warn a person next time?"

"Sorry" replied the girl.

"Hey Tari!" A second Matthias came striding down the stairs munching on a slice of pizza and carrying three other boxes. "did you order the pepperoni with breadsticks and marinara sauce on the side?"

"That's mine"

"Hey, where's my sausage, cheese, butterscotch, hot fudge, anchovy, pepper, bacon, and mushroom?" Cluny 2 whined.

"Umm… I think Tag has it." answered Matthias 2. He and Tari exchanged looks of disgust.

Right on cue Tag and Veil came down, both munching away on slices also. Matthias 2 looked at them, thought about something a moment, counted them, counted on his fingers, then asked "Where's the fourth member of our posse?"

"He's sulking up in Great Hall." Veil answered.

"The intro thing?" asked Tari.

"Yeah"

From up in Great Hall a voice called down "I'm not coming in without it!"

"Oh, for the love of Pete!" Tari stamped her foot.

"Who's Pete? Someone I should be worried about?" asked Cluny 2 suspiciously.

"Will you get your egotistical butt in here? The pizza's getting cold." Tari called up.

"Say it!"

"Fine" Tari grumbled, pulling a microphone out of nowhere.

Suddenly the lights went out and four spotlights swirled around the room then focused on Tari, WWF style.

"Ladies and not-so-gentle beasts, put your paws together for the sword-wielding wonder, the vanquisher of countless foes, the hero and founder of Redwall Abbey, the mouse who's name has become legend, the one, the only, Maaarrrtttiiinnn ttthhheee Waaarrrriiiooorrr!"

The spotlights swirled around again then came to rest on none other than the legendary mouse warrior himself. He sauntered down the stairs while Veil, Tag, Cluny 2, and Matthias 2 clapped halfheartedly.

The rest of the creatures in Cavern Hole just stared wide-eyed and open-mouthed.

"Thank you, thank you. Please, please, hold your applause. I'll be here till Thursday."

"Now that this ego trip is over, can we please get back to eating?" asked Veil impatiently eyeing the stack of boxes Tag had set on the table.

"Are you really Martin the Warrior?" asked Matthias 1.

"That's my name don't wear it out." turning around to face him Martin gasped. "Hey! There are two Matthiases!"

"And two Clunys." Tag pointed out.

"How is this even possible?" Veil asked "I know we've been through some strange things but nothing like this."

"I have a theory" Tari mused "either that fish we ate last night really was bad and has pushed our already fragile minds to the breaking point or we've somehow slid into an alternate, parallel universe."

"And how do you figure that?" asked Matthias 2.

"Well, I have a little film here I think will explain it all." Said Tari rolling out a projector and pulling down a white sheet from the wall. After which she popped in "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban."

"Of course!" Veil shouted after the movie was over "It all makes since now!"

"I don't get it. If Ron and Herminie love each other why do they fight so much?" puzzled Cluny 2.

"I'll explain it to you later." assured Martin.

While this was going on Matthias 1, Constance, Abbot Mortimer, Cluny 1, and Redtooth had quietly slid out and up the stairs locking the door behind them.

"They're crazy!" Matthias 1 gawked.

"Aye they are a bit soft in the head." Redtooth agreed.

"Enough! Redtooth, we're leaving before those insane beasts figure out we locked them down there. You, Abbot mouse, you can expect us back here to conquer this place soon." With that Cluny 1 turned on his heel and stalked off, Redtooth close behind.

"I'd better go tell the wall guards to let them out." Matthias hurried off.

"What should we do about those creatures down there?" Constance nodded towards Cavern Hole.

"I don't know, my friend, I just don't know."

Just then there was a knock on the Cavern hole door.

Abbot Mortimer exchanged a worried looks with Constance. Cautiously he inched the door open. Quite without warning Tari thrust her head through the opening, startling the Abbot and Constance.

"Excuse me, but would you by any chance, have a alkaline torch on you, would you?"

Both the Abbot and Constance shook their heads.

"Darn! Oh well, looks like I'll just have to order one."

Whipping out a cell phone she quickly dialed the number.

"Hello… yep, it's Tari… give me the usual, and make sure to ship them separately. We don't want a repeat of last times delivery."

Not five seconds after Tari hung up, than in walked Badrang the Tyrant and Gelltor Marlfox. Gelltor carried with him three freakishly large alkaline torches and Badrang carried a crate of canned mace and a 12 pack of grog.

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What is going on? Who knows? I for one don't. So what do you think, love it, hate it, curse me for abolishing the relative reality of the Redwall universe? Tell me!


	3. Chapter 3

Hey it's me again, sorry for the long wait. I've been sort of busy. Well here it is Chapter 3. Hope you enjoy.

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"Hey Tari," called Gelltor "got your shipment."

"What took you? I called this in a whole 5 seconds ago." Tari pouted

"Sorry, traffic was terrible."

"So, what's up this time?" asked Badrang suspiciously

"What do you mean? nothings up." cooed Tari trying and failing to look innocent.

"Oh, come off it. We know every time you order these things together there's always something going on." Gelltor looked down at her. "So what is it this time?"

"Well… would you believe giant, indestructible, killer roaches are invading cavern hole?"

Both Badrang and Gelltor cocked suspicious eyebrows at her. But before either of them could answer, screaming came from the locked door behind Tari.

" AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH, GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! IT'S TRYING TO EAT MY FACE!"

"HOLD STILL, I'LL SQUASH IT WITH THIS CONVIENTLY APPEARING BASEBALL BAT!"

"OW, YOU MISSED!"

"WELL QUIT MOVEN!"

"ENOUGH ARGUEING! THERE'S MORE COMING!"

"OH, YE GODS, THEY SPIT NUCLEAR ACID FROM THEIR PEUTRAD MULTI-JAWED KRALLS!"

"REPENT, REPENT FOR YOUR SINS. FOR JUDGMENT DAY HAS SURLY COME!"

"See… now if you'll excuse me." Tari said lightly, walking over to them. Grabbing the grog from Badrang she poured all of it into one large glass bottle she apparently pulled from nowhere, then stuffing a oiled clothe in the top, she lit it, opened the door to Cavern Hole, yelled "FIRE IN THE HOLE!", and tossed it down. No sooner had she shut the door than an earth shattering explosion rocked the Abbey.

Next Tari strapped two torches to her back, grabbed the third, along with the canned mace, lit the torch, opened the door, and proceeded to destroy the giant indestructible insects with her home made flame thrower.

As Tari was disposing of the evil roaches of doom. The rest of the crew staggered up the steps, blacked, singed, and coughing smoke.

"Man, I hate it when she does that." Tag coughed.

"Yeah." agreed Matthias 2.

"Hey guys." chimed Badrang.

"Oh great, you again. I'd have thought you'd have taken the hint after I slew you." sneered Martin.

Badrang blinked slightly confused, "That wasn't very nice… you now I don't think you like me very much."

"Gee Sherlock, what tipped you off?" shouted Martin.

Badrang's bottom lip began trembling, and before anyone could say something to try and resolve the situation, he shouted, "YOU'RE SO MEAN!", then he ran out of the room crying.

Gelltor reprimanded him, "Nice going, Martin, you just made the Tyrant of Marshanks cry!", then gave him a solid whack to the back of the head.

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Well you guys know the drill, review.


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